Letter to Matt Damon on Alternate Universes, Donald Trump, and Douche Bags

Dear Matt Damon,

I saw your arrogant and self absorbed commencement speech to MIT.  As a “professional” actor, I can only assume that this was a skillfully crafted attempt to make yourself seem to be a shallow and vapid douche in front of this group of highly trained technology and engineering graduates.  Assuming that is the case, I say “Bravo!”  I also want to briefly discuss you referring to a theory that we may be living in a simulation, and the possibility of multiple alternate simulations existing concurrently.


After extensive research and review I can confirm that there are such alternation realities in existence.  Likewise, I can confirm in some iterations of this simulation your desire to not have Donald Trump as the GOP nominee is in fact reality.  However, it is important to point out that there are other large details in these simulations that vary from our own reality.  There are two consistent differences existing simultaneously in all versions that involve Trump not running for President.  It is likely that these two key points are so great, that you may wish to stay in your current reality.

  1. In all of these versions, there was no need to Trump to leave his otherwise amazing life to run for President ( he is still astoundingly successful and wealthy in all realities ).  In all cases, Barack Obama was never elected to the White House.  America has not suffered from almost 8 years of his leading a charge in class warfare to divide the nation.  There are none of Obama’s signature disastrous foreign policy decisions.  The economy has not been so badly directed that stagnation and misery are referred to as “the new normal.”  As a pantie wetting liberal, this sacrifice alone may be too much for you to make.
  2. This is the point that will be most difficult for you to accept.  In all alternate realities Matt Damon is not a douche bag ( amazingly this is the only version out of all realities where you are this big an ass hat ).  You work a variety of different jobs ranging from Middle School PE Coach, to Denny’s late shift fry cook, and even in a few cases an actor.  However, in none of these universes are you the same smug, self absorbed pile of human excrement you are today.

So there you have it, even if you were able to move between simulations I fear the price would be too high for you.  Not the Obama part.  I seriously doubt you give that much of a crap about anything or anybody that does not completely revolve around yourself.  I just don’t think there is any way that you can happily exist and not be a flaming douche bag.




4 thoughts on “Letter to Matt Damon on Alternate Universes, Donald Trump, and Douche Bags

  1. Matt Damon has always been a fKing idiot! What can you expect from the hollywood lunies. I am hoping he will be on the plane out of the US with Trailer Trash Miley, Whoopie, Rosie and all the other nut cases that are going to leave the country when Trump takes office

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love matt damon a lot..and i get hurt with this chili bits you extracted from your mind..matt damon have just spoken about his issues because he also has his words to prove.there’s nothing wrong with opinions and if you call him idiot i guess you also have some traits of an idiot in case you have’nt realized it yet😌


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